How does comparison kill compassion?

When I feel bad about myself, the quickest way to elevate my mood is to “one up.” Yes, it is my dirty little secret but when I feel like I have failed or am lacking in a skill my go to reaction is to judge someone else as inferior to me. I was recently very convicted when I read an article about “mom shaming.” I had a blink reaction thinking: Oh at least I’m not doing that. As soon as I had that thought I realized that throughout the past months I have made many little judgements about how others were handling Covid-19. Not only had I consistently judged myself superior, I had propped up the way I was doing it as better.

I had owned that I was perpetually exhausted. I had shared that I felt traumatized. And yet, I was stuck in a sick cycle, trying to claw my way to the proverbial top.. This condition of my soul had left me spiritually empty and compassionate in word only. My soul was tired. In the midst of this emotional dilemma, I went to a speaking engagement where I was charged to share the story of Jezebel. And it was there, that Jesus spoke through me to me. And yet again, He changed me!

There once was a woman named Jezebel. She was a princess brought up in a depraved spiritual culture. She was most likely a childhood victim of sexual abuse. The religious tradition she was raised in, normalized sexual deviance. Her father used her as a political pawn, married to a man she did not love. Her marriage meant a move from the land she knew Phonecia, to the Northern Kingdom of Israel. There she was to make a way for the gods of her land to be worshiped easily in her new land.

Jezebel was an abused girl, who grew to be a de-sentenized, brutal woman who would do anything for peace in her marriage and personal power. One of the many times she connived and conspired was a particular time her husband returned from war. Things had not turned out the way King Ahab had wanted. He looked out the palace window and thought - If I had that vineyard out there all would be right with the world. Ha… This made me think of the amazing marketing Facebook does to me. On a bad day a product perfectly chosen for me plants a seed, that if I had that…I would feel better. That’s the story with King Ahab. He is convinced that if he owns the neighboring vineyard he will feel complete. The owner of the land declined his generous offer of land and money. This causes Ahab to be in a further funk. the Bible says he went to bed and rolled over to face the wall. This behavior frustrated Jezebel. So, she took things into her own hands, forging a letter and authenticating it with her King’s seal. Her words set up the vineyard owner, Naboth and creates a coo to stone him to death. Victorious, Jezebel gives her husband the vineyard. Peace was brought at a cost.

Later as King Ahab relishes his victory in the vineyard, he is met by his old friend the Prophet Elijah. Elijah brings a warning of punishment . This act of violence toward Naboth would have a cost. It would result in the demise of his reign and his lineage. After the warning, the reader find this verse: “There was never anyone like Ahab, who sold himself to do evil in the eyes of the Lord, urged on by Jezebel his wife.” I Kings 21:25.

Phew! At least I’m not as bad as Jezebel. I wouldn’t make decisions without the full understanding and cooperation of my husband. I would never appease my husband by stealing his identity and plotting a murder. At least I have never killed anyone. (let alone hundreds of people). As soon as I had that thought, I was overwhelmed by the Holy Spirit. It wasn’t audible but it was the loudest internal voice I have ever heard. The words of Jesus pulsated through my body: “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgement.’ But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or a sister will be subject to judgeemnt.” Matthew 5:21-22.

Ughhh. That is literally what I thought. Come on God, can’t I just have a one up on Jezebel. Can’t you just give me that. Obviously, Jesus didn’t give me a pass. He reminded me that when there is anger in my heart there was no room for His good fruit.. The time I was spending comparing myself to Jezebel was time lost manifesting the blessings of His Kingdom. His gentle conviction brought this thought: By the Grace of God, go I! And in an instant the beautiful words found in Galatians 5 reverberated through my mind: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” Galatians 5:22-23

In my confession God’s infinite compassion flooded over me. And in that instant I am engulfed in loving mercy that brought light, love and energy. This experience illustrated that Judging Jezebel kills compassion in me.